Humans have a natural need for attachment; something to hold on to and call their own. This isn’t typically done out of control or even ownership of what they have, but for a sense of familiarity, pride, and even love. This happens with material objects, places, and even people. Especially people.
“Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”
- Yoda, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
This quote is from a fictional story about how the evil Darth Vader actually came to be. It was his fear of losing what he loved most, which turned him down a path to commit terrible acts to keep his the love of his life from dying. In the Star Wars universe, the Jedi are forbidden from such attachments to avoid this act of pure passion and illogical thinking to take what was a flawed but good person, and twist him into something he spent his life learning how to stop; the very thing he swore to destroy.
This isn’t a Star Wars blog. However, the movie that this quote is from is one of my favorites of all time. I have seen this film more than any other film combined, and it’s not close. I know this speech Yoda gives so well, I can quote the scene word for word. And yet, it’s a lesson I’ve come to struggle with nearly as much as Anakin did. Why is it so hard to let go?
I’m no stranger to heartbreak. Anyone who knows me well, knows that. It’s very rare I love, but when I do, I love hard. Every one has been different. Every single one has been unexpected, each more than the last. I learn something new about myself and about love itself with each one. It’s pure bliss, and then it was pure hell when it ended, every time. It takes me so much longer to move on than what seems like most people do. The concept of letting go makes sense in my head, but in reality it seems just absolutely impossible.
I went 7 years without finding love. I wanted it, but every time someone came along with the potential, it just didn’t happen. That feeling is so specific, so undeniable. I knew what I was waiting to feel, and I just didn’t for so long. Until I finally did. That undeniable rush of feeling, attraction, friendship, and bond but also the feeling of safety, comfort, and the desire to do everything in my power to make her happy, safe, provided for, and feel loved at all times, even when she makes mistakes. The attachment grows during a time like that, from both sides. It’s the best feeling a human can feel. I finally felt it again, and it felt so right, in ways I didn’t really expect. I was all in, for a life that I least expected to be all in for. That is a special feeling.
The fear of losing that feeling can bring out the worst in a person, even when the intentions are good. There’s a kind of tunnel vision that happens when love is involved. You can go from the humblest of people, to the most selfish. You go from never wanting to lose her, to not letting her go. Somewhere the love turns to attachment; the selflessness turns to selfishness. Not to have control of her, but because the concept of losing the happiness you felt with her is almost too much to bear. You just want to hold on. You want to fight for it.
Honestly, I’ve not struggled with it this much before. On a much smaller scale. It wasn’t until recently where I kind of was forced to snap out of this mindset I had fallen into. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I had waited and been looking for this person for so long, and didn’t want to lose it, especially so quickly. Or maybe it was her, and just how hard I had fallen for her. Most likely it is a combination of both. I became embarrassed for how I was acting. I didn’t recognize myself. I went from the victim in my story, to slowly becoming my own villain. Needless to say, that’s not what anyone wants, but people often to get to the point of realization until it’s too late. You take what could have been an open door in the future to assuring a closed and locked one instead.
I’m not comparing me or my actions to a villain like Darth Vader by any means, nor hers. But there are a lot of parallels there that just make me sit back and reflect on how much of an idiot I have been with my own behavior and what it means to really take a step back and let go of the attachment side of a relationship. The love will always be there. It’s the fear of losing what you held so dear that can bring out the worst in someone. It’s a lesson I never thought I’d need to learn this late in life, and I’m not thrilled to learn it in this way. I can only keep trying to do and be better, and I hope anyone reading this may take away the same lesson.